Coming right back at ya!

Oh yes, siree.

Today is when it all happens. I face my demons. I look 'em straight in the eye and I SHOW. NO. FEAR.

All those tags for memes - they stop right here, people. No doubt several of you have already realised this, given my lack of response to past tags - but here (as my friend Manggy of No Special Effects would say) is where memes come to diiiiieeeeeeeeee.

Confessions first.

I don't know what it is about memes, but they just don't do it for me. I look at them, and my brain goes phuuuut. ('Phuuuuut' for those of you who don't know, is a sound equivalent to a kitten letting out a gentle fart.)

And so, in all the times I've been tagged, I haven't responded to a single one. To all those who have tagged me - what can I say? I'm sorry, ok? Really, I am. It's nothing personal. It's me, not you.

But I've just received another couple of tags - from Peanut Butter Boy and Browners - and, given that I can't cook (nope, still no kitchen), and I haven't been out anywhere special to eat this past week or so, now seems as good a time as any to face the proverbial elephant in the room and tell it to park its butt elsewhere.

So it's going to be on my terms. I'll do 5 random things 'about me', and then probably some other rubbish, too. Ready?

Let's go.

1. My freaky 'career' means that I'm qualified to lecture you, massage you, and sue you. (Masochists, please take note - this is not an invitation, ok?)

2. I live in the same 3-mile radius as Gordon Ramsay, John Torode, Sarah Beeny and Piers Morgan - and in which Ainsley Harriott and Naomi Campbell were born and grew up. The White Stripes also filmed their video for Dead Leaves here. No, I don't know why any of this matters, either.

3. I could arguably have been a professional tennis player, but I chose to stick at school and go to university instead. I have since slapped my younger, doofus self many times. Very hard.

4. I have a friend who's just turned 100. She totally rocks and is one of the most amazing, energetic, and spirited people I know. She stopped driving only late last year, having never had an accident in her life.

5. I am in awe of all you other food bloggers out there. Really. I read as many blogs as I can, as often as I can. Everybody inspires me in some way. You are an amazing bunch. And I have a few questions for some of you.

Heather (Voodoolily) and Michelle (TNS) - why are you guys not doing stand-up, preferably as a double act?

Peter (Kalofagas) - do you ever sleep? HOW do you get to blog so much? Your output scares me.

White on Rice Couple - you need your own TV show, like yesterday. If you need me to have a quiet word in Anthony Bourdain's shell-like, just let me know.

Jen (Use Real Butter) - where do you find the will or the energy? You inspire. Ditto all you others out there who are dealing with serious illness (like Bri) while still taking the trouble to entertain the rest of us with your blogs. And those who are raising awareness of major health issues, such as Susan over at Food Blogga. Great stuff.

Wendy (A Wee Bit of Cooking) - can I have joint custody of your new puppy?

Finally, to all of you who have tagged me in the past, or have conferred upon me all manner of awards - thank you so much. Just because I haven't added them to my blog, or mentioned them, doesn't mean they're not appreciated. They are. I'm just too lazy to do anything about them. Like I say, it's me, not you.

And for anyone who hasn't been tagged for a meme - no, I'm not going to start doing that now. If you're wanting to play the game, then please go ahead, be my guest, and consider yourself tagged.

Just please don't tag me back. This is strictly where tags fear to tread.